Words are explosive. Wear protective clothing at all times. Consider the location and the timing of the detonation. Plan your words in advance. Do not approach words after they have been lit in an attempt to discover whether or not they are going to go off. Boys are particularly cautioned not to experiment by opening sentences and mixing their constituent parts. High winds will affect the quality of your words and may create a hazard. Do not launch your words in excessively windy conditions. Keep a pail of water handy and be sure to dispose of left-over words with care. Do not smoke on the forecourt of your words. Caution: do not mix your metaphors – the results can be extremely volatile. Do not drink and write. Keep your words in safe, dry, well-ventilated storage facilities with 24 hour CCTV monitoring.
Words are spiritual. In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. But that was just the beginning. The inquisitorial ferocity of Jesuitical words is unmatched, especially when combined with the rack. Hellfire sermons are likely to leave the impressionable vulnerable to night-time fear and daytime paranoia. Atheists will burn, before or after their deaths. Or not, as the case may be. Prayers are words, and words are prayers, but can you ever really be sure that anyone is listening? Except in exceptional circumstances, resist the desire to self-immolate in the flare and burn of your own words.
Words are a legal minefield. Do not confuse tort with torte; the results can be embarrassing, and you may be left with egg on your face. Voicing words without forethought can bring out the litigious side in people. Malice aforethought’s not much better. Oaths can be sworn to whichever god anyone follows. Or not, as the case may be. Jurisprudence is no guarantee of prudent juries. As we have seen, in some parts of the world, words are inquisitorial, while in others they are adversarial. Defendants may find that they prefer the latter, though it is wise to try to avoid appearing before a hanging judge.
Words are seductive. Beware those possessing silver tongues yet no gold in their heart. Make sure your linguistic inoculations are up-to-date and mind your Ps, Qs and apostrophes. Careless reading can leave your mind open to suggestion, your heart aflame, and may cost lives in times of war. Always use a prophylactic. Squeeze the tip, then unroll along the length of your sentence. Withdraw before it goes flaccid. Do not panic when you can no longer find the words. There may be many reasons – the vast majority temporary – as to why you cannot achieve a successful sentence construction. The condition usually responds well to a combination of lifestyle changes, drug treatment and erotic poetry.